My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
