just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
