Your face is a jimmy john
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
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