my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
