One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
this will be a night to untag.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
