Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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