I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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