The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
