my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
