I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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