Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
