They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I faked an abortion last night.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
