not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
