i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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