turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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