bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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