Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
