I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
