I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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