Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I understand Curling. That high.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
