If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
