Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
