I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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