ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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