I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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