Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
