i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize