Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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