Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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