If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
