I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
