I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
