Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
