Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
