anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
