Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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