Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
