Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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