Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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