i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
