Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
