can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
