dude i'm inner monologue high
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
