I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
