All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
