but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
