hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
