Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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