Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
