you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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