I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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