I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
