But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
