is wine microwaveable?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
