ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She bit a glass in half.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
