see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
