why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize